Poles and Holes

Oh Tiger, where for art thou? (unrelated, but the girls of professional wrestling are pretty hot. just saw an ad for it, thought I'd share. actually, thats kind of related, but whatever). PGA Tour play is underway, and man, does it suck. We need the old Tiger back.

Let's view the evidence ( B. D. Wong is the man, btw): 

1) Tiger Woods used to be the greatest golfer in the world. Sick epic 

2) He was on a torching pace to break Jack's Major record by clubbing his opponents to death 4 times a year, and then stroking huge shots and sinking mad balls the rest of time, during which he still pwned everyone like they were n00bs 

3) Apparently, he was also stroking huge shots and sinking mad balls of the course with a variety of 'playing partners,' and was totally make full use of his stiff flex shaft in all two through foursomes 

4) Elin found out (details unclear) 

5) Elin stole Tiger's talent SpaceJam style by letting him touch one his irons, then used the stolen talent to carefully craft some great swings that not only made Butch Harmon proud, but also destroyed the windows on El Tigre's Escalade (I mean, thats just another reason to NOT drive an Escalade, but I digress) 

6) The talent club has disappeared, and with it, Tiger's game. It is assumed to be in the warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark

7) The PGA Tour has become as relevant as that printer paper with the holes in the side. You know the kind

The awesomeness formerly known as Tiger Woods was great because when you watched him, he played not with confidence, but with knowledge. The knowledge that he was going to not just win whatever tournament he was playing in, but win it in a fashion that humiliated the opposition. He wielded his clubs like he was apparently wielding his Donghammer of Strength off the course; with supreme confidence and extreme prejudice. Those were the good ol' days. I miss those days. 

Zach Johnson is nice. Dustin Idontcareenoughtoevengooglehislastname is a nice story. I hate all the european players, so they carry no interest. Vijay Singh is gone. Phil apparently needs Tiger to play well. Ernie Els looks like he is not only made of wax, but also perpetually too close to a heat source. And thats pretty much all I know about the golfers of the PGA tour anymore. None of them have personalities worth their weight in turds. Its just friendly white guys in argyle. Tiger was great to watch because he wasn't nice and he wasn't 'golf etiquette.' He was a realistic version of Happy Gilmore, except he hated his fans as much as he hated all his opponents. He owned that course, and you were lucky he allowed you to even sniff his jock. And people loved him for it. Or they hated him as much as he hated them, and they tuned in to root against him. Either way, your ass was watching him pound shit. (appropriately enough, a Masters add just popped up. playing stupid elevator music. you know what would make me watch the Masters more than elevator music? Any other kind of music. Could you imagine Highway to Hell rolling in the background of Masters Coverage instead of old British dudes whispering? GIMME THAT.) 

I guess I don't even really need Tiger to be great again. It would help, but its not a necessity. What I need  is him to be a cocky asshole again. Enough of this tame tiger shenanigans. Give me swearing, ball punishing, furious over the smallest mistake Eldrick again. Make PGA golf watchable again. If VCU can nut-punch every NCAA expert for dissing them, then Mr. Woods can find his mojo again, realize he's best when he is a merciless, angry killer, and get back to making the sport of Golf less like 'White Dudes in Whiter Pants' and more like the brand of golf we all play (swearing, loud, club throws. the occasional on the course stripper). I would love to see Tiger walk up to the green, mark his ball, walk over to Ernie 'Meltman' Els ball, take his heel, and ground Melty's ball so deep into the green he has to take a divot to putt it, and walk away laughing. 

Tiger, I need you back. The fans need you. Phil needs you. The PGA Tour needs you. Golf needs you. Most of all, Eldrick Tont Woods; You need You. 

Next Week: NCAA follow up

2 Weeks: NHL Playoffs Preview 

Like what you're reading? Try this guy out for size too 

Lock Out With My C*ck Out

Good afternoon ladies and jelly beans (it is just about spring, after all), and welcome to this weeks regularly scheduled goalie fights. For those of you wondering, yes, I will be eating my generous portion of crow for all my NCAA picks from wednesday, but lets at least wait for the tourny to finish.

No, today's topic is one of a more serious note. While we here at Goalie Fights value humor in our sports talk, sometimes, we need to get real. Realer than even the streets. Specifically, the shenanigans of the NFL 'lockout' are well beyond even superfan levels of acceptable. We all know the numbers by now; $9 billion that needs to be split between owners and players, $1 billion more for owners right off the top than the last CBA, 18 games desired by owners, yadda yadda yadda.

Honestly, they could be arguing about $9 trillion, I could care less. Its essentially monopoly money for the owners at this point, and 78% of the players will be bankrupt eventually anyway, so who cares. I'm not on the players side, I'm not on the owners side, even though they both are clamoring for my support with varying levels of soullessness. But, I am on someone's side. A side that has gotten no recognition, no support, and no love. The side that didn't get to sit down at the table with a list of demands. The third side. The fan side.

I am not speaking in some sort of altruistic metaphor here either. I mean, there are owners/league guys, there are players, and then there are fans. The fans are as real a side as either of the other two, do not doubt that for a second. The only problem is, up until now, nobody has bothered to point out that the fans are a legit group, and they do not need to take all this crap lying down. They NFL and NFLPA both know that the fans are what fund their precious money making behemoth. They both know that the fans hold more power than either. Thats why they keep slandering each other in public forums. Their fortunes are tied to public support, so they pander to the masses. But in doing that, they cunningly leave out that the fans have an extra option.

While the owners and players would have you believe that you must support one or the other, the educated sports fan knows they can support neither. But open your eyes now to the fourth option, that of pulling support for both! The owners can lockout the players. The players can strike against the owners. Either way, the fans get screwed. Well, its time to rise up and rage against this football machine. What I am about to propose may seem ludicrous, to big, and unpossible. But thats okay. Thats what will make it special when we pull it off.

Football will return, eventually. When it does, we the fans need to send a message to the players and the owners, the players, and to every major sport that ever even considers a work stoppage as an option again. When that first Sunday comes, when that first kickoff gets kicked, we put our foot down. That first sunday, we blackout the NFL. TVs off. Seats empty. Scores not checked. Fantasy football lineups not set. We the fans must boycott everything NFL for one sunday. Just one. One game out of a season. Don't go to the games, don't watch the games on tv. Nothing. Complete blackout.

Yes, season ticket holders will have already paid for the game, and tv contracts will have paid the NFL millions, and jersey sales and merchandise revenue will still pay the league. But it isn't about the money. It never is for the fans. We bust our asses in 9-5s, second shifts, third shifts, weekend hours, overtime, second jobs, third jobs, waiting tables, pouring steel, cleaning, day trading, nursing, and teaching. We earn every cent we get. And we spend it on a game we love to watch. We throw on our jerseys, buy the doritos, drink the Pabst Blue Ribbon. Loyally, as our fathers and mothers and aunts and uncles and brothers taught us. This is how the NFL repays us? They can't agree over $9 billion while the american people supported them through one of the worst economic downturns the nation has ever seen?

The time is coming for the fans to stand up together and close our eyes to the league. They can have the money. Shut your eyes now and imagine every stadium in america empty as the cameras roll, as the blitz takes down the quarterback. Imagine the look on the owners faces when not a single fan sits in their seats. Sure, their bank accounts won't really suffer. But that won't matter. If we can come together for one sunday, we can come together for any. We can lock them out. We, the fans, propel the league, not the owners or the players. WE, THE FANS, WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.

Its never been about money for us. Its never even really been about football. Its been about family, friends, food, beer, rest, relaxation, and fandom. There is a sunday coming. The players are going to call you to the stadium. The owners are going to call you to the games. The media is going to tell you its what you've been waiting for, and they will be right; we will have been waiting for this sunday for months. And we will unite, together, as fans of the NFL. And we will not go to the games. We will not tune in to the broadcasts. We will blackout the NFL. And for one beautiful sunday, we will remind everyone that the fans are what make professional sports possible.

Madness? This is Maaaaaarch

Hello boys, girls, and squirrels, and welcome to a rare wednesday edition of Goalie Fights. Topic of the day? Well, obviously, this. I'm not going to run you through every pick, (that would be cheating! giving you all the right answers) but I'll give you some insights into what is going to happen. Leave your biases at the door for this one, an open mind builds a winning bracket.

Upset University

Belmont: First, Wisconsin stinks. Good teams don't hang 33 on anyone, let alone Penn State (who is also not good). Thats some high school JV shenanigans. Plus, Belmont drains three's, all day, erryday, which is always in the arsenal of those classic upset specialists. Strength of upset: LOCK IT UP

Clemson: The Tigers are hot, more than talented, and they have the benefit of coming off a tourny win. Emotions will be high. I also just don't see WV as good advertised, as proven by the Vegas point spread only being a measly 2. Its a 5-12 game, so that line should tell you something. SOU: I'd bet a cheesesteak

Richmond: Spiderlicious. I think the A-10 is in a very up year, which is not being taken into account. beware Vandy. Unfortunately, the winner of this game gets smoked by Louisville next round, so do what you want. SOU: A cold stone like it. Not a love it.

Utah State: Loving the 12-5 matchups. Kansas State lost to Colorado who, fair or not, is not in the tourny this year. And they lost to them 3 times. Utah State is a classic 'who the fluffernutter are these characters' team, so I'm going with them. SOU: Meh, the line is 2.5. Its no lock, but it ain't bad.

Vanillanova: They have talent, they have quality coaching, they are overlooked, and they are in a bracket to do damage. George Mason, the Media's darling, is in a bizarre situation of facing an upset by a power conference team. Yes, Nova has sucked lately. But its a new day, and this team is experienced. If they figure it out before tip off of the Mason game, they just may make a run past Ohio State to a showdown with the Wildcats of Kentucky, and even the 'Cuse Boozers.

Suspect Giants

Ohio State: The number 1 overall is always a gamble. I never like them, and they rarely make me regret that. They played in a conference that I truly believe was worse than the A-10 this year, so I think they're wins are inflated. They have talent, but they may face the gauntlet of Kentucky/Nova, and 'Cuse. They aren't getting out of that.

Duke: Just like OSU, they face a gauntlet of talent. Texas (sleeper...) and Uconn (favorite...) are talented, lethal, and merciless. If Texas can get past their issues of inconsistency, they have no ceiling. Except Uconn. Kemba Walker is going to bury everyone they face, with extreme prejudice. Also, Kyle Singler (hint: the dude that looks like the elmer's glue cow). Duke has like  3% shot to get out of this region.

Final Four

Syracuse, Kansas, UCONN, Pitt. LOCK IT UP

Winner, winner, chicken dinner: UCONN

I LOVE Kemba Walker. He is a cold blooded killer of a finisher. He can make every shot. And he has a HOF coach and a solid supporting cast. They are a tournament team (2-0 in tournys this year? get sauced). J IT UP KEMBA! If Uconn can D the D, even a little, and stay consistent, they win it all. LOCK IT UP!

Philling in the Blanks

A third sport in three weeks! This week's topic... Baseball! Namely, the Philadelphia Sillies.

As everyone reading this already knows, the Phillies have an all-time great, holy-crap-your-pants quality pitching staff. And this guy. As a result most experts, including the usually reliable Las Vegas odds makers, picked the Phillies as a shoe-in for WS champions in this upcoming season. Reasonable choice.
However, recently, there has been a growing concern over the actual ability of these Phillies to win the WS. Why, you ask? Let's discuss.

A criticism of the Phillies last year, by the 'experts,' was that the Phillies failed because of a lack of A) health, and B) solid right handed hitting. With the injury to Chase Utley this spring training (I am going to go out on a limb here and say that Mr. Utley has probably played his last meaningful game in a Phillies uniform, although I know I am alone on that branch) and the release of Jayson Wereworth, the experts are not only jumping back on the injury/norightyhitter bangwagon, they are slapping rims on it and throwing their PS3s in it like Xzibit was running ESPN. Here's the thing; if you were building a team for the long run, the experts would be right. You obviously don't want elderly players who break down every 5 games and a one-handed batting lineup gets destroyed by a certain type of pitcher, for a dynasty run. But the Phillies aren't looking to win the next 5 WS. They are looking to win one, right now, this year, and luckily for them, they have a key aspect to do just that, which everyone is overlooking.

'But, how can the Phillies win if Chase Utley's knees are more worn out than a Dane Cook joke, and their best right handed hitter has a name oddly similar to Exxon Valdez?' asks the rational sports fan (I know he's not, but I wanted to point that out about his name, so deal with it). The crazed Philly fan will answer with, 'and I'm going to let you finish, but the Phillies have the greatest pitching staff of all time!' He'll probably even have those stupid sunglasses on. But that's okay, what sports fan isn't biased?

Well, yes, the pitching is good, but that's not why they are going to shock everyone down the stretch with how they win. They will surprise the 'experts,' the fans, and the baseball world when players such as Valdez, Ruiz, Francisco, Brown, and eventually whoever they put in to replace Rollins when he inevitably gets hurt, start hitting like they are Murder's Row. What?! Yes, the replacement, backup, role-players of the Phillies are going to not only help the Phillies survive, but actually thrive as an offensive unit.

How? With heart. The most underrated attribute in baseball is heart. Even after a team that won a WS solely on heart (with a little pitching help, of course), people are unwilling to recognize its importance. If you will recall, some guy named Cody Ross carried the Giants offense through the whole post season. If you say you saw that coming, then I think your real name is Hotdog Mcbeerfarts. Anyway, the Giants were nothing more than a collection of journeymen, backups, and role-players. Outside of Buster Posey (who was a rookie himself) and geriatric Edgar 'I don't even know how old I actually am' Renteria, the Giants lacked any true stars. Yet, they won anyway, and it was all because they wanted it more than anyone else.

The Phillies of 2008 were the same. A little more star-studded, perhaps, but nothing like they were seen last year. In fact, the Phillies last season were a much more talented team, top to bottom, yet couldn't win it all. Both of the last two seasons, the Phillies have traded the grit, desire, and heart that won them the 2008 WS, and replaced it with contentment, cockiness, and swagger. In essence, the Phillies went from being the Phillies (stealing bases, spikes up, plowing catchers, doing what it takes to win) to what the Yankees are always accused of being (arrogant and expecting teams to roll over for them). Obviously, teams didn't roll over.

I truly believe that with the stars of the last few years going down with injuries (I'm looking at you Raul, and Jimmy, and Chutley), and being replaced with the Cody Rosses of the world, this team will return to the gritty, hard running, hard playing, scrappy team that can win a WS. Need evidence? Look no further than their record with their 'critical' players out of the lineup. The stretch where JRoll was out? 16-12. When Utley, Victorino, and Howard were out at the same time? 11-4. Why? Because Mike Sweeney knew that it might be his only shot. Every time a guy like that steps on the field, they must know that it might be their big shot. Because of that, they play their hearts out. Its a sure as taxes.

The Phillies are going to be taking the field this year, maybe as favorites. They have an all-time great pitching staff. But their position players, the guys that need to show up every day and get it done, are going to be bench guys. They are going to be role-players, backups, journeymen. But they are going to play hard, everyday, they are going to steal bases, break up double plays, dive, run into walls, and do what it takes. Ultimately, they will carry the Phillies stars, they will find ways to win for their 4- headed Monster of the Mound, and they will earn a playoff spot. And as the Giants showed us all, a little pitching, a little crazy, and a lot of heart can get you past anyone, regardless of their payroll.

The Phillies will be seeing the Red Sox in the WS this fall. I just hope the Philly fans don't burn the city down when they win it again.


Also, for those of you out there who actually like reading this, check back on wednesday for a special March Madness post. Tis the most wonderful time of the year :)

Ride the Lightning

Or perhaps they are all high. Whatever the cause, the Philadelphia Flyers, who are arguably the best team in the NHL this season, look like this (hint, I'm not saying they look like the unabomber from behind). What the snooki-scrotum is going on?

First of all, this is no threat level midnight style crisis. However, if I were a Philly fan (and I know a lot of them), I would be at least moderately concerned. And by moderately concerned, I mean that they are probably demonstrating why they will be the San Jose Sharks of the East for this season, and maybe the next one or two, which is probably the worst thing any sports fan could ever hear their favorite team likened to. So let me justify such a death sentence of a claim.

First, the Flyers are immensely talented. I, as a non-flyers fan (yet I do not hate them, making me probably the only person in the universe who can say that with a straight face), will readily admit that they are the deepest team in the NHL. They have solid 3rd and 4th lines, they have stars like Briere, Carter, Richards, and Pronger (I loathe him though. This picture just tells me I'm right), they have a young, solid goalie in Bobrovsky (yes, he is for real, at least for this season), they have some great role players/future stars in Versteeg, Leino, and Giroux, and Laviolette is a quality coach. Additionally, there are only 2 teams in the rest of the league who rival them on paper, and that is the always quality Detroit Red Wings, and the league-leading-despite-everyone-on-their-defense-being-dead Vancouver Canucks. Personally, I think the Canucks are good, but the Sedin twins somehow manage to turn into Joaquin Phoenix's career come playoff time. So, we will see about them (read, they will not be in the finals). So, even if the Fly Guys slump a little, who gives a Zhitnik?

Well, Philly fans should. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say the turn this recent slump around, totally forgetting about how the NY Rangers destroyed them 7-0 (Phil Osgood would be proud).   I find it always a bad sign when any team in any sport enters the playoffs playing like a turds, but they are great, they can over come this, right? Wrongo.

Enter, the Stevie Y built Tampa Bay Lightning. Yes, those same Lightning that are behind a surprisingly poor Capitals team in the standings this year, that have only 3 players you can name (4 if you are a hockey fan) and who were at various points of the previous few seasons the definition of craptastic. The Lightning are solid, on the rise NHL team. But they ain't no flyers (just don't tell them I said that). Despite the fact that they are not as good as those Philly Phlyers (why isn't it spelled like that anyway), they own them this season. And I mean own.

This would be less problematic for the flyers if they 1) were burning the world down with stellar play, or 2) the lightning were not going to make the playoffs. But neither is the case. Not only are the Flyers stinky like Kardashian vag, I'd be willing to bet (if I were a gambler) that they are going to be seeing these Tampa Bay Bolts in a playoff round at some point.  So lets say the flyers survive teams like the newly defensive Washington Caps, the always dangerous Pittsburg Penguins, the Buffalo Ryan Millers (who can win any series on his back alone, but probs not the whole shebang) or the, oh wait, NY RANGERS (the flyers just beat them 7-0, so no worries flyer fans. oh wait. $4!#. The Rangers hung the 7 spot on the flyers. Classic mixup), they still may have to face the team that has kicked their @$$ blueline to blueline every time they've played.

All I am saying is, Philly fans, quit being so cocky. I've heard your shenanigans all season, and your ego is showing. Yes, you have a great team, but they aren't invincible. They have quite the achilles heel, and I'd hate to gloat over you when my boys raise the cup (read: suck it). You can be excited all you want, just don't think you can walk into the finals. Lightning crashes in unexpected places sometimes.