Let's view the evidence ( B. D. Wong is the man, btw):
1) Tiger Woods used to be the greatest golfer in the world. Sick epic
2) He was on a torching pace to break Jack's Major record by clubbing his opponents to death 4 times a year, and then stroking huge shots and sinking mad balls the rest of time, during which he still pwned everyone like they were n00bs
3) Apparently, he was also stroking huge shots and sinking mad balls of the course with a variety of 'playing partners,' and was totally make full use of his stiff flex shaft in all two through foursomes
4) Elin found out (details unclear)
5) Elin stole Tiger's talent SpaceJam style by letting him touch one his irons, then used the stolen talent to carefully craft some great swings that not only made Butch Harmon proud, but also destroyed the windows on El Tigre's Escalade (I mean, thats just another reason to NOT drive an Escalade, but I digress)
6) The talent club has disappeared, and with it, Tiger's game. It is assumed to be in the warehouse from the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark
7) The PGA Tour has become as relevant as that printer paper with the holes in the side. You know the kind
The awesomeness formerly known as Tiger Woods was great because when you watched him, he played not with confidence, but with knowledge. The knowledge that he was going to not just win whatever tournament he was playing in, but win it in a fashion that humiliated the opposition. He wielded his clubs like he was apparently wielding his Donghammer of Strength off the course; with supreme confidence and extreme prejudice. Those were the good ol' days. I miss those days.
Zach Johnson is nice. Dustin Idontcareenoughtoevengooglehislastname is a nice story. I hate all the european players, so they carry no interest. Vijay Singh is gone. Phil apparently needs Tiger to play well. Ernie Els looks like he is not only made of wax, but also perpetually too close to a heat source. And thats pretty much all I know about the golfers of the PGA tour anymore. None of them have personalities worth their weight in turds. Its just friendly white guys in argyle. Tiger was great to watch because he wasn't nice and he wasn't 'golf etiquette.' He was a realistic version of Happy Gilmore, except he hated his fans as much as he hated all his opponents. He owned that course, and you were lucky he allowed you to even sniff his jock. And people loved him for it. Or they hated him as much as he hated them, and they tuned in to root against him. Either way, your ass was watching him pound shit. (appropriately enough, a Masters add just popped up. playing stupid elevator music. you know what would make me watch the Masters more than elevator music? Any other kind of music. Could you imagine Highway to Hell rolling in the background of Masters Coverage instead of old British dudes whispering? GIMME THAT.)
I guess I don't even really need Tiger to be great again. It would help, but its not a necessity. What I need is him to be a cocky asshole again. Enough of this tame tiger shenanigans. Give me swearing, ball punishing, furious over the smallest mistake Eldrick again. Make PGA golf watchable again. If VCU can nut-punch every NCAA expert for dissing them, then Mr. Woods can find his mojo again, realize he's best when he is a merciless, angry killer, and get back to making the sport of Golf less like 'White Dudes in Whiter Pants' and more like the brand of golf we all play (swearing, loud, club throws. the occasional on the course stripper). I would love to see Tiger walk up to the green, mark his ball, walk over to Ernie 'Meltman' Els ball, take his heel, and ground Melty's ball so deep into the green he has to take a divot to putt it, and walk away laughing.
Tiger, I need you back. The fans need you. Phil needs you. The PGA Tour needs you. Golf needs you. Most of all, Eldrick Tont Woods; You need You.
Next Week: NCAA follow up
2 Weeks: NHL Playoffs Preview
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