Scrambled Sack

Hello boys and babes, and welcome to this weeks Goalie Fights. This week is a little bit of everything because, as much as there is going on in sports right now (NHL playoffs, NBA playoffs, MLB) there isn't really anything big to write about. So lets go random!

First, NBA playoffs. I am by no means an NBA expert, so pretty much anything I say on the matter, probably assume that its wrong. That said, I am picking a Heat vs Thunder finals, with the heat winning in 6. The Bulls are good, but I think the Heat are more experienced (and apparently experience means something in the NBA playoffs, or at least so I'm told). The west is just old, and I feel like the youth of that conference will prevail (also, Durantula. C'mon). In the end, again with the experience, I think the Heat triumph. But really, who the hell knows.

I assume you all are watching the NHL playoffs. If you aren't, what the hell is the matter with you, its the NHL playoffs. Whether you have been watching or not, here is exactly why you need to be. Game 2 of the Wings vs Coyotes series, Johan Franzen got run face first into the boards. That is not a pleasant experience, as I am sure Mr. Franzen would attest to, and as evidenced by both the cut on his eyebrow and his mashed up nose. If you didn't see it, imagine your best friends face if they saw Snooki naked, then add blood to that face. Yeah, ouch. Now, if this is pretty much any other sport, he's out for the game. But, because this is a sport played by dudes who only care about winning and being men, he showed up on the bench a little later stitched up, with some cotton up his nose, and looking to get back out there, like a boss. Franzen happens to be one of the guys who still plays without a face shield, and he returned to the bench still sans face shield. The Red Wings coach, Mike Babcock, started ripping into the trainer who stitched him for not putting a shield on him. In the highlight, you can read the trainers lips when he responds, and I quote, "he won't put the f*cking thing on." So Babcock looks and Franzen (who is Swedish, by the way) with a look of disbelief. Franzen? Just shakes his head that he won't wear it, goes out there, and cracks some skulls. How is hockey not the number one sport in America? Spare me your excuses. Also, the Datsyuk between the legs shot/rebound/DarrenHelmGoal spectacular? Please start watching hockey if you don't.

Now, what I am about to propose is going to, initially, cause you to immediately say 'that is literally the worst idea I've ever heard,' but hear me out. I hereby propose a Caddyshack remake. Yes, I said it, and I am serious. Take a moment to process that thought...

...and great. Now that you are done crying with laughter/sorrow, here's why it doesn't have to be how terrible you just imagined it. Recently, tons of remakes have come out, and they have been more or less travesties. The reason, however, that they are so bad is because they try to essentially update the previous movie to today's technology/social feel, and that totally kills what made the original good. I think Caddyshack is amazing, so destroying it or otherwise altering it isn't what my aim is here. Instead of remaking it just to update it, I think it should get remade to honor and celebrate the original. Don't let the new actors try and make the movie their own. Have them replicate what the original actors did, thereby saying, 'Hey, you guys kicked ass. We are all good actors hear to celebrate how much ass kicking you originally did.' I think remaking it with that sort of attitude would totally make the Caddyshack remake acceptable, because its not a replacement. Its some of todays best actors/actresses saluting their predecessors. Let me give you my selections for the cast, then you can cast your final judgement on the idea.

Ty Webb: Vince Vaughn
Al Czervik: Will Smith
Judge Smails: Robin Williams
Carl Spackler: Adam Sandler
Danny Noonan: Hunter Parish
Sarah Holcomb: Emma Stone
Tony D'annuzio: Andrew Garfield
Lacey Underall: Scarlett Johansson

I can hear you bitching about the Sandler pick, but look, I am not saying he is as good as Bill Murray. No one is Bill Murray. I am saying that Sandler did Happy Gilmore (classic golf movie) and is one of the few who could properly recreate the quirkiness of Murray's Spackler. Remember, I don't want Sandler's Spackler, I want Sandler recreating Murray's Spackler. Its a cinderella story.

Finally, Dwight Howard put up huge numbers in the Magic's loss to the Hawks. He is an elite player. Probably, eventually, a HOF player. But the Magic are essentially the Cavs. They have given one of the top 5 players in the game today nothing to work with. Take Howard off that team, and the Magic and Cavs would be competing for who was the most futile supporting cast left behind. So I am calling out to Dwight. Go to Philly. There is a team without a superstar, yet plays awesome basketball. There is a team that is a phenomenal supporting cast waiting for a superstar to take them to the title. Philly, clear cap space and get him. I don't care how, just make it happen.

I just saw a Michelle Wie commercial. How does she still have endorsement deals? No offense to the LPGA players, because all of them could crush me on any given course, but Michelle Wie isn't just an LPGA player (try naming 3 other LPGA golfers). She's an irrelevant LPGA golfer. They don't even cover her missing cuts anymore. I instantly forgot who the commercial was for on principle, but whoever you are, faceless advertiser, don't give me Michelle Wie. Michelle Beadle, sure. But giving me Wie is like weeing on my face. We need Wie less than we need to wee after 6 hours on a Wii, oui?

Happy Sunday to all, and to all a good week.