“I look into their eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, 'I am going to bury you." And a heartfelt thanks to the late Seve Ballesteros for a literal perfect introduction into todays edition of Goalie Fights.
I asked around this week for a topic for today, and someone brought up the fact that I've devoted a fair amount of articulation to hockey (which makes sense, considering the title), but not so much to the NBA (although I do cover essentially all sports). My immediate reaction was, 'Well of course, the NBA is awful. Its not even basketball anymore.' While I wholeheartedly believe that truth, I realized that it may be interesting to examine why the NBA is so gut-wrenchingly bad these days. And thanks to Seve and my boy Reggie 'Spike Lee can suck my balls' Miller (technically a documentary on him, but still), I realized just what could bring the NBA back from the edge of absurdly meaningless. So let's investigate.
Do you remember when the NBA was great? Late 80's (that, I don't remember so much, but some of you do) and early to mid 90's (which I remember enough to own a SpaceJam shirt and how I once lied and told my friends that Penny Hardaway was my uncle, despite my rather pale skin complexion)? Yeah, golden freaking age. Dream Team. Bulls vs Pistons, Pacers (mainly Reggie Miller) vs Knicks (with Patrick Ewing). Young Shaq, MJ, Pippen, Young David Robinson, Ewing, Miller, Shawn freaking Kemp, Rodman, Barkley. That list could go on and on and on. Thats not to say that today doesn't have stars (LBJ, DWade, Kobe, Dwight, old man river Duncan, Durantula, etc), but there is a stark contrast between those all stars and todays main men. What, you ask?
“I look into their eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, 'I am going to bury you."
That.
There is no doubt that every time MJ walked on the floor, that thought was in his head. Actually, it was more like, 'I'm going to rip your throat out and whip you to death with your own trachea,' or 'I'll rip your arms off and dunk with one of them, because I don't just want to beat you, I want to destroy your basketball identity.' I have watched the replay of Pippen dunking on Ewing, knocking him over, then staring him down while straddling him like a million times, because its awesome. Reggie Miller got into an on the court pissing match with Spike Lee during an NBA playoff game because the Knicks and Pacers hated each other so much. Not only is that drama, which America just LOVES, but its good sports. You can't play half-assed if you hate your opponent so much your defensive strategy is to foul them so hard if they go for a layup that they won't want to try another. Not exaggeration, that was the straight faced goal for the previously mentioned teams. Go back and watch replays. Go back and watch Ewing miss a layup to send a game 7 into overtime against the Pacers because he was so used to getting killed in the paint that he braces for contact and puts to much on it. Back iron and out. There is heart, soul, and love of the game there. The hatred of your opponent fuels the drive to compete. Blowouts suck, even if your team wins. Sports loves game 7s, overtime, scrappy, gritty, tough action. Not lopsided snooze-fests. That was the 90s. Kick the other guy in the mouth, because you are more of a winner if the loser has less teeth.
Flash forward. Welcome to the NBA, also known as, the 'No Blatant Aggression' or the 'National Bromance Association.' They are all friends! There's no hard fouls because they don't want to injure one another. They don't want to mess up the income of their friends so they can cruise the caribbean this summer with yachts filled with strippers and gold and captain crunch (that's what I'd do with my friends anyway). They play on the same teams so they can 'win championships.' In what? Brotacular Brodancing? Horseshit. I want you to play on opposite teams not so you can 'win one on your own,' but because I want you to be so sickened at the thought of the guys on any team other than you own that you instantly vomit when you consider having to see them on a regular basis that does not involve kicking them in the face while wearing golf spikes. I want Chris 'Bostrich' Bosh to go up for a layup and to get his skinny ass chucked into about the fifth row by Kevin Garnett. Or Pau Gasol to get pulled backwards by the hair when he goes up for a layup by Jason Kidd. And I want the teams to get in each others faces like hockey teams when they meet up in the crease for some 'face time.'
I've heard the argument that the old school bloodlust is dying out because of the culture that these players now grow up in. They play on the same AAU teams, the travel together, they become stars together, and they share the journey via text messages and facebook and twitter. Again, I call shenanigans. I don't care how much time you spend with people, that doesn't translate into liking them necessarily. Maybe it would happen occasionally, but just as many enemies should be made as best brofriends. I can think of plenty of sports teams that I played on where for every close friend I made, there was a kid on the team I'd love to watch get stung by bees. The rest, I like because we are on the same team, but I could just as easily loathe for not being on my team. Plus, there are the teammates you have that you love because you don't have to play against them (Dennis Rodman, Chris 'Birdman' Andersen). You would hate them entirely if they played for a rival. So no, I don't buy the new age player is naturally a pussy.
In fact, this is becoming surprisingly clear in the Boston, Miami series. I give Lebron credit, he may actually be beginning to hate the Celtics. Maybe getting his head caved in by them last year broke the 'lets play nice' mentality, and he's reading to start utilizing his Brian Urlacher-esqu physique to start pummeling Paul 'Cheshire Cat' Pierce and Rajon 'My head is to small for my body' Rondo for keeping that ring off his finger. I see the anger building. Pierce getting tossed, Wade fighting back. Its growing. But by old school standards, its still just dudes bringing magic markers to a paintball game.
So, what gives? Why the Nerfing up of the NBA? I'll tell you. Overreaction, fear, and shortsightedness.
Whoa, those things are oddly specific, and would seem to point to a catalytic event that would cause great change in the NBA via its rules and how they are enforced...
Right you are, knowledgable Goalie Fights Aficionado! This crap product the NBA is producing today is directly and indirectly a hangover type result from the Malice at the Palace. One night that essentially has handicapped the players ability to play with the level of intensity and aggression that they used to, that made the NBA 'Nightly Beatings Association.'
Granted, Stern was already trying to remove the 'thug' image from the league to lure in old, rich, white dudes to buy skyboxes during a time when it was becoming clear that tons of money could be made off old, rich, white dudes by getting them to buy that awkward middle ring of seating with the bars and tvs in them. What he didn't realize, though, was that eliminating the violence was not the way to do that. Anyone who has ever played basketball can tell you that killing people in the paint who are trying to make a layup isn't a basketball attribute of 'thug-life' or of some underground black counter culture. Its an attribute of gritty teams and of teams that hate each other (btw, old, rich, white dudes love violence. for proof, ask the MGM Grand to profile their saturday night PPV boxing audience).
The Pacers-Pistons brawl was just the final straw, and a way for David Stern to get rid of violence entirely without anyone saying poop about it. Nobody stopped to say, 'hey, calling more technicals and not letting things get heated on the court won't prevent incidents like that from happening.' Everyone just kind of jumped on the 'physicality in basketball is bad because it starts riots, so lets get rid of it' bandwagon and off it went. Remember, though, it wasn't the on the court fight that led to the incident, it was the fight spilling over into the seats, it wasn't even a player getting into it with a fan (a la Reggie Miller vs Spike Lee). It was a damned fan throwing a cup of juice (perhaps a red death?) onto Ron 'Not mentally stable' Artest while he was NO LONGER IN THE FIGHT that set him off and made him run up into the stands, and start a riot. You know what prevents that? Fans not throwing shit at players, thats what. Not players NOT pounding each other into a bloody pulp.
Look at hockey. Those games are incredibly heated, bloodlust fueled, and brawls happen regularly, including my all time favorite, the Avalanche vs Red Wings which included... A GOALIE FIGHT. What we don't see happening in the NHL is players running up into the stands and trying to stab people with skates. We don't see that because 1) there is a high wall of glass separating the two parties and 2) hockey fans to chuck shit at players who are laying on the scorers table. Actually, the player to fan interaction is limited severely because of the glass. Excluding gambling between the backup goalie and fans near the cracks in the glass behind the bench, they can't really do anything more than bang the glass and yell things that get misconstrued into other things. Like, for instance, I always yell, 'Go to Pizza Hut afterwards for a slice with me!' which players apparently think I'm actually yelling 'Go f*ck yourself and afterwards lick an ass!' which I totally would not say.
The point is, a certain amount of separation between players and fans is necessary to prevent things like the Brawl from happening. When you have your players diving headfirst into season ticket holders and fans who are half drunk by tipoff because they are sitting 8" from where the game is played, something crazy could happen. However, eliminating players ability to be tough with each other and play physical games is not the way to remedy that issue. Either put up a barrier, or accept the fact that at some point, some drunk is going to do something that leads to a 6'8" monster right hooking him into next week. Its the nature of your stadium setup David Stern.
So here is my Warning, which I promised in the title. Stern, fix the rules so that Joey Crawford can't T up Tim Duncan on the bench for cleaning his dentures. Tone back the flagrant fouls, the technicals, and the quick whistles. Let the boys play. Let Manu Ginobli get punted. Let Wade get tackled. Do you know why this is becoming a point guard league? Because they can't be touched in the paint anymore. You don't need a huge dude who can take punishment anymore. You need a fast guy who can make layups. I want the punishment, and I know I'm not alone. Stern, if you don't fix this, you will continue to lose fans, and the game will continue to look more and more like pro wrestling. Your refs can control the game to much, which I know you like, but everyone else hates. Let the players play, let the rumbles happen, and let the rivals start to hate each other again.
Stern, you want the NBA back on top? Let Lebron knock Kobe into the 3rd row on a layup, and I promise all eyes will lock in to see what happens next.
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