But it is. The Return of Goalie Fights! I apologize for the long absence of sports analysis for you fans out there, but there just wasn't that much happening in sports. I mean, really, did you want to read analysis of the WNBA? I didn't think so. So let's get down to part one of this weekend's two part (oh yeaaaa) return special.
While I literally cannot wait to rant and rave and brag about the Eagles, that is best saved for its own column tomorrow. Today, let's recap what I didn't analyze with my sterling humor and wit.
1) The Canucks did not win the SC. HA! Well, to be fair, I did make about 20 wrong picks in this years playoffs along the way, however, I KNEW they would not win it. Luongo will never win a cup, because he is just a really bad mental goalie, and you can't be that and win a cup. Can't do it. So kudos to Tim 'I don't even know who I am' Thomas for just playing out of his mind bonkers the whole time.
2) Staying with hockey, and being out of your mind bonkers, three cheers (or jeers) for the Flyers front office. Now, if you will recall, I may or may not have said that the Flyboys would sign big Bryz, should trade Richards, and should make Bob the goalie of the future. Well, they did all those things. But then they went and traded Carter because, apparently, Holmgren didn't see the part of tropic thunder where we all learned the important lesson from Robert Downey Jr. about NOT going full retard (no offense to our special needs readers out there, his words, not mine). Well, while trading Michelle Richards and giving Bryz about all the money they had seemed crazy to some, the Carter trade is mind-blowing in its obvious overreaction status. There is no way they make up for those lost points. None. They just set themselves up to be the same team they were last year in 3 or 4 years when their new youth movement matures. By then, they will again be out a top goalie (Bryz has about 2-3 good years left) unless Bob emerges, and they will be sans a serviceable Pronger by then as well. Facepalm.
3) The Phillies are silly good. I know I said they would find ways to win with guys like Exxon Valdez and Uncle Ben 'Rice-a-Roni' Francisco (yes, that is TWO instant rice jokes in one), and I'm counting John Crunchberry Jr. for myself because how many people knew about him before this season? I mean really. But then again, who would have thought they would find ways to win over 60% of the time? I know some of you are out there, right now, saying you knew. Well kudos. But, what they are doing is better than even what you thought, because instead of doing it with small ball and 4 aces, they are doing it with 3 aces, solid run production, and some guy from GTA Vice City, or his brother or something. I don't even know at this point, he's so obscure. He's this guy.
Now, with the addition of Hunter 'I'm more awkward than high-fiving someone who's hands are penises' Pence, that team is down right terrifying. I mean really, go easy on the Nationals. They are only a triple A team for crying out loud. So, yeah, I fully expect them to not lose a game in the postseason. Really.
4) The NFL lockout ended! YAY! I'll give them credit for not missing any real time, and for getting it resolved more efficiently, effectively, and with less childish antics than our own CONGRESS can get things done, which just goes to show you, Congress sucks (I hope you weren't expecting a real lesson there).
The FA bonanza has been more fun than tying a politician to bear, but that analysis is for tomorrow. :)
5) On the other hand, the NBA has locked out, and honestly (oh before I forget, I called Mavs over Heat. BOOM), I could care less. Hopefully they just stay locked out, because then hockey will get more coverage and I can enjoy my winter sports.
Also, they boycott I called for on the NFL if they didn't fix it in time? Yeah, that now applies to the NBA.
6) Women's World Cup was awesome. If you didn't watch it/like it, what is the matter with you. It was the first time I've really watched a women's sport and enjoyed it more than the men's equivalent. That's not to say the men aren't better, but here's the thing about some of these super technical sports; if they get to too high a level, its hard to enjoy exactly how good they are because so little appears to happen. Example: MMA.
The top levels of MMA are generally less exciting because they guys tend not to make exploitable mistakes, so it becomes a grind it out sort of fight, which is fine, but not as exciting as the lower levels. In the lower levels, they guys are less technically sound, so mistakes are much more common, which leads to people getting caught in awesome chokes, arm bars, face kicks, hulk smashes, and whatever else can happen when you are nearly perfect. On top of that, they aren't as solid at executing those cool things, so you often get two or three of those cool things in one fight.
Same with the WWC. More mistakes leading to more exciting play and more goals and more drama. Plus, the almost total lack of falling down and acting like your leg has been cut off was so refreshing. Kudos to those fine ladies for putting on a great show, and props to Japan for continually sticking it to the broadcasters who just kept saying they weren't good enough to win. SUCK ON THAT IAN DARKE.
7) El Tigre fired Steve Williams, who threw a hissy fit and basically bashed Tiger the first chance he got (because, yeah, f that guy who only made you $20 million dollars to do what a 13 year old could have done). Plus, Tiger is back playing, so maybe, just maybe, gold may matter again. We will see.
8) If Chris Osgood doesn't get into the HOF, I will find every last voter and poop in their shoes. I swear I'll do it.
I think that's it. I will, for now, reserve the right to revisit any of these topics and further expound upon them should the opportunity arise. However, if I do not, consider the matters closed.
Tomorrow, we will be returning to our regularly scheduled programming featuring the newly formed Philadelphia SuperEagles, and what the wheeling and dealing will mean for the upcoming NFL season.
Until tomorrow, stay thirsty my friends.
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