Goalie Fights: Because you are more of a winner if the loser has less teeth

Sunday, October 2, 2011

A Letter To Krispy Kreme King

AKA, Fire Fat Andy

Before I launch into an all out tirade about the Birds, who will hence forth be referred to as the 'Turds,' let me first give a brief lesson in baseball knowledge.

Phillies are looking solid. With that pitching staff, it really is hard to not pick them to win it all. So yeah, I'd go with them. The american league is a little spotty this year, although, the Rays kind of remind me of the Rockies from a few years ago. Never ignore a team coming in hot. Also, to every Red Sox fan out there (and, I guess, Braves fans) I give you this. Suck on that.

And now for the main attraction, a letter to Andy Reid...

Mr. Reid,

Good evening. How are you feeling? Probably a bit hot, seeing as you are carrying a second person on your body like a frontpack (as opposed to a backpack). Also, possibly hungry. Bet you'd like a cheese steak. But that is really neither here nor there. What I am really writing you about is my Eagles.

Now, let me start by saying that I love what you did this offseason. Bringing in talent on defense, especially Jason Babin (he is having an insane year so far), and trading away Kevin 'I look like the cat in the hat' Kolb, I really liked. You spent the money, brought in the pieces, and put the team in a place to win. I loved it.

But that's where the love ends, and the pain train makes its first stop. Andy, how can you drop $50 mil on new players, and not sign one single linebacker? Not one. We drafted Weis brand Matthews, have Moisture Foku, and 'Jaffar' Cheney. Ray Charles could have seen this corps struggling, and he's a mother-loving dead AND blind guy. How many years does your philosophy of not needing great linebackers because the 'scheme' works have to fail before you admit that that it is a bigger lie than the time your doctor told you that your diet was probably a quality one?

Speaking of questionable defensive decisions, when you bring in a player who is arguably the best at his position, which of the following seems like a good idea: A) Let him play the style that has made him a monster in the league B) place him in a system run by a coordinator who both has no experience on that side of the ball and who will make him play the exact opposite style from what he dominated at, or C) I don't know, because I'm a god-damned asshole? Well, you apparently chose a combination of B and C, because if you had chosen A, Namdi wouldn't look like he has never heard of football before. I blame mostly Juan (or Luis? not sure) Castillo for not knowing his ass from a hole in the ground, but you helped put Castillo in that position. I have no idea why that seemed like a good idea then, but it is clearly a worse decision than casting Omar Epps to play Mike Tomlin in a movie. Wait, that would be a great idea. See Andy, do you see what a good idea looks like? Its based on reason and logic, not on 'Ooo, Juan Castillo gave me a piece of candy, lets make him a D-Coordinator,' type of bull crap.

But, you never have been that defensive minded. (As an aside, Tony Dungy, I want to hit your wimpy, whiny, apologetic ass in the dome for your continuous bitching about the Victor Cruz play at the end of the Giants game. I hate the Giants and am amused when they fail, but dude, Cruz clearly gave himself up. He dropped to the ground, put the ball down, and started to get up and turn the other way. The rule says that a player has 'given himself up and is therefore down' if he 'drops to the ground or his knees and stops trying to advance forward.' That's the rule. That's what happened. Quit your damned bitching. And quit looking like the green goblin.)

As I was saying, Andy, you care more about your cholesterol than you do about Defense, and that would equate to none caring. So I will ignore the defense. With an offense like this, you ought to be able to blow teams up, scoring early and often. Which it does!!! But why don't we win then? Oh, probably because you get a (Faith Hill in tight leather body suit, I like) huge lead and then run the ball with your phenomenal running back. Oh wait, we would win if you did that. Instead, you... Throw the ball? Stop the clock often and allow the other team to get back into it by taking your offense out of rhythm, and placing the onus of winning the game on the defense which you don't care about and left in the hands of a completely incompetent coordinator? Please tell me you see the flaw in that little plan. You said that short passes replace runs in a west coast system. Well guess what. They god damned don't, because you can't have an incomplete running play, which stops the clock because it was incomplete. BECAUSE RUNNING PLAYS CAN'T BE INCOMPLETE, BECAUSE THEY ARE RUNNING PLAYS AND NOT PASSES! That is why they are different, Andy.

Do you game plan for upcoming games? Or do you channel your inner Bill O'Reilly and just say, "Fuck it, we'll do it live..." I am guessing you O'Reilly that shit, based off of the fact that you still can't recognize blitz packages, play call themes, and pretty much anything the opposing team stands for. Your look of, "I don't know what this is, I've never seen this before," when teams run the ball on you and blitz Vick is frustrating, because I don't know squat about football, and I know teams will do this. Every week.

Andy, enjoy the next 12 games as the coach of the Eagles, because you won't be back next year. You can't not make the playoffs with the team you have, and get to blow it again next year. You are the Donovan McNabb of coaches; you put up great numbers, but you aren't really a winner, and it doesn't seem to bother you, because you keep making the same tired mistakes. I'm tired of it, and I hope Jeffy Jeff is too. You and Juan can have a nice trip to wherever else will take you (the Chiefs? the Jaguars?). But you are done here. And good riddance.

Sincerely,

Every Eagles Fan Ever


On a nicer note, the Flyers are in a much better position than I thought. There is nobody good in the Atlantic, so it should be an open race, and the Flyers aren't devoid of talent by any means. Jagr is going to be a monster, just wait and see.

For fun, a picture of Troy Aikman looking like he is made of wax and standing near a heat source.

Logypstics

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